Songs to Annoy Your Parents (And You): Scorpius Malfoy

Scorpius Malfoy fanmix front cover
Scorpius Malfoy fanmix back cover

Scorpius is out test-flying his new broom (the latest in the Nimbus line--Father refuses to purchase anything to do with the Potters, meaning nothing in the Lightning series) when he spies the owl winging its way through the air. Since it's heading toward him, not the manor's owlrey, he assumes the package it's carrying is for him.

He relieves the owl of its burden and sends it on its way, then lands in a small copse of trees. He's hidden from anyone in the mansion, but still well within the bounds of the estate. He takes out his wand and transfigures some moss into a cushion (the Malfoy family may not be the height of Pure-blood society anymore, but they're still well above silly rules like the ones against under-age magic) and flops down onto it.

Scorpius opens the small box. A small glass sphere and a sheaf of parchment is inside.

The parchment reads:

Happy birthday, mate!
Mum's still out of town, and Dad's been getting those stupid letters again, so we're not going anywhere for the summer. I'd invite you over, but... well. You know what happened last time.

Scorpius remembers that incident quite well. He still hasn't heard the end of it from his father.

Anyway, Aunt Hermione's still working with Grandad on updating the Muggle Studies course to include Muggle popular culture. This means all us children have got roped into sorting through all sorts of Muggle artefacts. (And since we can't leave the house, it never ends.)
I doubt you've ever heard any Muggle music, so I've included a few songs on the sphere, along with a list. I hope you like them. (I must say, Muggle music is a lot better than Wizarding sometimes. The best thing about this is that I haven't heard Celestina Warbeck in a week.)
If you like these, I can send some more.
(No, I'm not smirking. What makes you think that?)

Scorpius isn't sure what to expect, but he's glad his parents aren't around to hear this. He turns to the next parchment and taps the sphere with his wand. It glows a gentle blue, and the music starts.

I'm sure you're wondering what I was thinking, including this, the parchment reads. 1. In case of emergency (read: approaching parents) you can switch back to this track. 2. ... There's a little winking face here.

1) J.S. Bach -- Air on the G String


Scorpius rolls his eyes. He doesn't understand why everyone thinks he's the corrupting influence in Slytherin House, with Al around.

The sphere goes on to the next song.

I know how much you love Arithmancy, so here's a wonderful song about that.

2) Blind Melon -- Three is a Magic Number

Three, oh, it's a magic number
Yeah, it is, it's a magic number
Somewhere in that ancient mystic trinity
You'll get three
As a magic number
The past and the present and the future
Faith and hope and charity
The heart and the brain and the body
Will give you three
It's a magic number

"You bastard," Scorpius mutters. Al knows damn well he hates Arithmancy, and is only taking it because he'll need it in future (and Divs is a load of rubbish).

"A Potter and a Malfoy, friends? Inconceivable!" (I do not think that word means what you think it means.)

3) Idina Menzel & Kristen Chenoweth -- What is this Feeling?

Ev'ry little trait, however small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter loathing
There's a strange exhilaration
In such total detestation
It's so pure and strong!
Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing
Loathing you
My whole life long!

He laughs. That pretty much sums up him and Al during first year.

This is the only serious song on the sphere. Don't worry, I'm not turning into a big girl's blouse; this song just made me think of you.

4) Alanis Morissette -- Perfect

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him, compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying?

Scorpius sits for a while, staring at the light emanating from the sphere. He quietly taps the thing with his wand and goes on to the next song.

Life can be fun, mate. Illegitimi non carborundum.

5) Cast from RENT -- La Vie Boheme

To loving tension, no pension
To more than one dimension,
To starving for attention,
Hating convention, hating pretension,
Not to mention of course,
Hating dear old mom and dad

"Don't inflict your beaten dog Latin on me, you tosser." He makes a note to send Al his old Latin text.

Because a Malfoy doesn't care what the peons think of him.

6) Joan Jett -- Bad Reputation

An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my reputation
The world's in trouble
There's no communication
An' everyone can say
What they want to say
It never gets better anyway
So why should I care
'Bout a bad reputation anyway

Scorpius wonders what his parents would do if he adopted that as his personal song. He smirked. Probably disown him.

All right, so they wouldn't go that far. But close.

Everyone loves Lucius Malfoy, right?

7) Stephen Lynch -- Grandfather

When Grandfather dies
Life will be strange
When Grandfather dies
My whole world will change
When Grandfather dies
I'll scream and I'll yell
'Cause I'll be fuckin' rich as hell

He thinks he may have pulled something from laughing. Unfortunately, Grandfather Malfoy's still going strong--he's barely middle-age, for a wizard. Which means plenty more time to destroy the Malfoy name--though how he could possibly drag it down further, Scorpius has no idea.

He feels his hand clenching on his wand and decides a distraction would be best.

Stop hitting on my cousin, Malfoy.

8) The Fratellis -- Creepin' Up the Backstairs

When you're creepin' up the backstairs
Mother's nightmares
Falling in the front door
My, my
Climbing in the window
Get dressed, let's go
Take your brother's car keys

Aw, poor little Potter doesn't want him to corrupt lovely Rosie?

Does he think Scorpius is insane? He's not going to mess with any niece of Harry "I Eat Dark Lords For Breakfast" Potter. Or any grandchild of Molly "I Killed Bellatrix Lestrange" Weasley.

For my favorite Slytherin (other than myself, of course). Because no one really knows who you are.

9) The Divine Comedy -- Gin Soaked Boy

I'm the darkness in the light
I'm the leftness in the right
I'm the rightness in the wrong
I'm the shortness in the long
I'm the goodness in the bad
I'm the saneness in the mad
I'm the sadness in the joy
I'm the gin in the gin-soaked boy

Scorpius hums a few bars of the upbeat melody. A bit cheerful for his tastes, but not bad.

For my favorite streaker Seeker.

10) Hawksley Workman -- Striptease

I called, you came
I called, you came
It seems to be our only way
I'll be dreamin' of the kissin'
That I'm missin'
Truly wishin' that you listen
When I sweetly ask you to
Striptease for me, baby

"Potter, you son of a bitch." Scorpius can just hear Al's uproarious laugher now. Was it his fault the team lost? He was in the Hospital Wing during that game, for Merlin's sake!

He grumbles for a bit, then reaches for his wand. He starts it from the beginning, and Summons quill, ink, and parchment from the house. His mother has always insisted on writing thank-you notes. And if he plots revenge on his friend... well, he is a Slytherin, after all. Al will be expecting it, and he certainly can't let his friend down.

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