Secrets Concealed
Author: Raindrops on Roses
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Belisarius Productions, CBS, Paramount, et al.
Spoilers: No overt spoilers that I can think of; perhaps an allusion to Impact. This story is completely out of canon, so take everything with a grain of salt.
Feedback: Pretty pretty please?
Author's Notes: This popped into my head over the weekend, and I just had to get it down. All mistakes are mine. Big, big thanks to my betas, Kris and Debbie; I couldn't have done it without you. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it! Oh, and this is my very first smut scene, so be gentle, 'kay?
AN2: This is in alternating POVs, starting with Mac. It's also the first time I've written in 1st person and present tense, so sorry about any mistakes!
Summary: Mac keeps a secret from AJ...and it comes crashing down on her.
5... 4... 3... 2... 1.
Five minutes.
I take a deep breath, and open my eyes.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
I squeeze my eyes shut, praying that there's been a mistake. Please, God, let it be wrong. I open my eyes again.
It's still blue.
My career is over.
I'm pregnant... with my commanding officer's child.
My mind drifts back to Harm's birthday celebration. We were all gathered at McMurphy's, toasting Harm's miraculous survival of another year. Keeter's ship was in port, so he joined us. Of course, all the men got completely trashed, so of course, I had to play chauffeur. I borrowed the Admiral's Escalade, my `Vette wouldn't have fit all of those drunken men.
I dropped the Admiral off last, so that he would have his vehicle (once his hangover receded enough for him to drive). I was pretty exhausted by this time, having had to drag three rather large men up to Harm's apartment. At least Sturgis was semi-conscious, so he could assist me with Harm and Keeter.
I dragged the Admiral up to his door. His house key was on his key chain, so I unlocked the door and helped him into the house. "Come on, sir, let's get you into bed."
I led him into his bedroom, and eased him onto the bed. As I removed his shoes, he began to stir. He looked down and saw me at his feet. He smiled that lazy, crooked smile that just sends shivers down my spine. He sat up and placed his hands on my forearms. He slid me up his body until I was sitting in his lap. I knew I should fight him, fight my body's reaction to his closeness, but before I could say anything, his lips came down on mine.
Even drunk, that man can kiss!
Instinctively, my arms went around his neck, as his strong arms wrapped my body pulling me closer to him as we devoured each other. His tongue ran along the seam of my lips, and I opened to him. Our tongues dueled, and I felt one of his hands run up my back sending shivers through my body as his fingers twined through my hair.
AJ started to lean back, and I shifted so that I was lying atop his body. We lay in this position for a few minutes, just kissing. Finally, AJ broke the kiss, moving to nibble his way down my neck. I moaned deep in my throat, and I felt AJ smile against my neck. His hands started to caress my back, from my shoulders to my buttocks. When he found a particularly sensitive spot on my neck, I gasped and arched against him. My hands began an exploration of their own. I mapped out his broad shoulders and nicely muscled chest. He began to run his hands underneath my shirt. I returned the favor. He tugged at the hem of my sweater. It took me a moment to realize what he wanted.
Smiling, I sat up. I licked my lips when I felt his erection pressing into my ass. Looking into his beautiful brown eyes, I pulled my baby-blue sweater over my head.
As I raised my hands to release the front clasp on my bra, AJ covered my hands with his. Shivering at the intense look in his eyes, I lowered my hands. I could see the unadulterated lust in his eyes as my breasts were revealed. I moaned as his large hands covered my flesh. He grinned at me wolfishly, and rolled me onto my back.
I moaned again when I felt AJ begin to nibble on my collarbone. He started to move his lips south. He kissed and nipped all around my breasts, but never came in contact with my nipples. "Please..." I groaned. He immediately latched on to one nipple. My back arched, and I cried out, "Oh, god, yes!" He spent a goodly amount of time savoring my breasts, switching back and forth between them. Kissing his way down my body, he stopped at the waistband of my jeans.
He fumbled at the zipper for a few moments. I removed his hands from it, impatiently pulling it down and yanking off my pants. He hooked his fingers under the elastic of my panties, slowly drawing them down my legs.
At that moment, my conscience decided to assert itself. 'What the hell are you doing, Mac? You know this is wrong...'
My thoughts were abruptly cut off when AJ decided to run his lips along my inner thighs. He continued this for a while, until I got impatient. "No," I whined. I tugged at his shoulders, trying to get him to touch me where I needed him most, but he wouldn't budge.
He smiled seductively up at me. "Patience, Sarah." Oh, that voice.
My hips started to buck. I finally felt his long, thick fingers begin to trace along my hot, wet folds. "Oh..." His fingers found my clit. I gasped, and nearly flew off the bed. His lips began to join in the fun.
While holding my hips firmly with his strong hands, AJ's tongue commenced an intimate dance with my clit. It swirled around it, flicking the little nub. He worked it with his lips and teeth. I could feel the orgasm rising in me...and then he stopped.
I couldn't take the teasing any longer, and he knew it. As I yanked the zipper of his jeans down, nearly breaking it. He tore his black turtleneck over his head. Standing, he removed his jeans and briefs, and kicked them aside.
By this point, duty was the last thing on my mind. The only thing I could think about was having him in me now.
He laid back down on the bed, his lips claiming mine in a possessive kiss. He rolled atop of me, positioning himself for entry. I wanted to explore more, to learn every inch of his glorious body, but he stopped me. "Later, darlin'," he said huskily, and thrust himself inside of me.
I clenched my teeth as my body adjusted to AJ's manhood. I hadn't been with anyone since Mic, and he had never filled me like AJ did. AJ must have seen the flash of pain cross my face, because he stopped, and asked, "You OK, darlin'?"
The pain receded quickly, replaced by an intense sensation of pleasure. "Oh, yes, I'm perfectly fine," I breathed, shifting my hips against his. He smiled, and began to set a slow, leisurely pace. He withdrew and plunged, over and over, pulsating against my clit each time. I could feel the orgasm building within me again, but I held back. I didn't want this to end so soon.
"No, Sarah; come for me, darlin'." AJ knew I was holding back, and reached down to fondle my swollen nub.
I felt the long-suppressed climax overtake me. I screamed, "AJ!" as the waves of pleasure washed over me again and again. He thrust into me a few more times, then yelled, "Sarah!" I felt his semen discharge into my womb. He collapsed on top of me, and we lay there like that for a few minutes, exhausted.
Eventually, I had to breathe, so I pushed AJ off of me. I saw that he had fallen asleep. Passed out, was more like it. What had I done?
I got out of his bed and located my clothing. After I dressed, I called for a taxi. I returned to AJ's bedroom and watched him sleep. Pretty soon, I saw the lights from the taxi flash across the walls. I leaned over and kissed AJ's cheek.
"I love you, AJ Chegwidden," I whispered in his ear and I left.
It wasn't until I arrived home, and was drifting off to sleep, that I realized we hadn't used any protection. I wasn't even on the pill. I had stopped taking them a month after Mic left.
My thoughts return to the present. Now what do I do? I'm pregnant with my CO's baby. Despite myself, I feel my heart skip a beat, and a smile begins to cross my face. I'm pregnant with AJ's child! No, Mackenzie, this is not good. If word of this gets out, it'll ruin both of your careers! The Judge Advocate General of the US Navy knocked up his Chief of Staff. The smile abruptly disappears. OK, Mac, let's start listing your options:
- Abortion: No. All pro-life, pro-choice arguments aside, I want this baby. Even if AJ never knows, I still know it's his.
- Continue in my position, and don't tell anyone who the father is: No. I couldn't do that to myself. It would be torture, seeing AJ every day, and not telling him.
- Resign my commission: Resign? I love my job, and the Corps is my life!
Resign. I take a deep breath. I have to do it. Could I really live with myself, knowing that at any moment, I could destroy the career of the man I love? It's the only way.
That decided, I sit at my laptop and begin typing.
I wake up just as I'm calling her name. "Oh, no... not again."
Sarah Mackenzie has been haunting my dreams for the last month. These aren't just any dreams, though; they are very realistic, very erotic wet dreams starring my Chief of Staff. Thank God Meredith didn't stay last night. How would I have explained this?
I groan and pull myself out of bed. Stripping the bed, I start a load of laundry before taking an ice-cold shower. God, these dreams get more realistic with each one. What's been really bothering me is one particular segment, though. I can feel her leaning over me, her lips brushing my cheek. In my dream I hear her whisper the sweetest sounds. I swear I heard her say... "I love you, AJ Chegwidden." Are these manifestations of my subconscious? My thoughts trail off. Enough of this Freudian shit. I've got to get ready for work.
God, I'm nervous. I haven't been this nervous since... since the last time I tried to resign.
I'm here early. It's only 0715. I wonder how long it will take for me to get used to civilian time? Anyway, I know AJ--Admiral Chegwidden--always arrives by 0730 to prepare for the day. I want to catch him before the others arrive.
Shifting into park, I grab my briefcase and climb out of the 'Vette. Returning the salutes that the guards at the doors give me, I briskly walk up to JAG Ops--then stop. I want to savor the last few moments I will spend here as a Marine.
Walking to my office, I gaze at all of the things I have accumulated over the years. Mementos from trips all around the globe. Photographs of friends on the JAG team. My two posters--the Marine recruiting poster and the seal pup. The clutter of files piled on my desk. God, I'm going to miss this place. I start to clean out my desk.
I pull into the parking lot at 0730 sharp. Every day, like clockwork, I go through the same routine. However, today there is something different. Sarah's--Colonel Mackenzie's--Corvette is parked in the spot next to mine. What's she doing here so early?
When I step off the elevator at JAG Ops, I immediately notice that the light in her office is on. I quietly pad towards her door, taking pains not to alert her to my presence. What I see has me in shock. She's...she's cleaning her desk? I don't think the Colonel's cleaned her desk since she came back to JAG!
I sharply rap on her door. She whirls around, crouching in a defensive stance. The woman is all Marine. "A--Admiral! It's 0730 already?" Was she really going to call me AJ?
"Why are you here so early, Colonel?" I can practically taste the fear and guilt emanating from her. Why would she be scared by such a simple question?
"Actually, sir... I wanted to talk to you before the rest of the staff arrives."
"Certainly, Mac. Walk with me." I notice out of the corner of my eye that she picks up, not a file, but a single sheet of paper.
We get to my office, and I walk behind my desk. "Close the hatch and have a seat, Mac." She does, and I continue. "So, what is it you needed to talk to me about?"
She hands me the paper. Only the slightest tremble of her hand betrays her anxiety. I can tell she's terrified by something. I've always been able to read her moods. She hasn't been this nervous since...
I see red.
"WHAT?!"
Oh god, oh god... I remain silent. Please don't let me break down in front of him! You can take this, Marine!
"What the hell is this supposed to be, Colonel Mackenzie?" Oh god, he is pissed. He is beyond pissed. I open my mouth to speak. He cuts me off sharply. "Don't answer that, Colonel. I can see what it is. May I ask why you find it necessary to leave JAG again? Get another job offer from a cushy civilian firm?"
I want to scream, "I'm pregnant with your child, you jerk!" Instead, I answer, "It's time for some changes in my life, and in order to have what I want, I have to give up something I love. This in no way reflects on JAG, sir. I love my job, and I love the Corps, but this is something I have to do." That sounds so rehearsed, even to me.
"What is it, exactly, that you want, Colonel?" His voice is cold; so cold, it feels like it's freezing my soul.
"I can't say, sir." I see a look of pain, of betrayal, cross his features. I never meant to hurt him!
"Why not?"
"Because I'm still in the military, sir." I can see him prepare to rant at me, releasing the full force of his fury... but it never comes. Instead, in a voice full of hurt, he says, "Very well, Colonel Mackenzie. Request for terminal leave approved, effective immediately. Divide your cases among the staff as you see fit. Dismissed."
I want to cry. Instead, I rise from my seat and snap to attention. I remain in this position for a few seconds, then execute an about-face and exit the office. A moment later, I hear something thump against the wall and shatter. I look up, to see Harm staring at me with a curious expression on his face. Shit.
Son of a fucking bitch! I can't believe she's leaving again! I put my trust and respect in her. I made her my Chief of Staff, for god's sake, and she's leaving! I feel a hollow pain in my chest... in my heart. She's leaving me. Tears start to form in my eyes. No! I can't cry; I'm the Admiral! I can't show any weakness!
A single tear escapes, trickling down my cheek. I swallow the lump that threatens to choke me. "Goodbye, Sarah. I love you," I whisper to the empty room. I sit at my desk and lose myself in my work.
An hour later, the intercom buzzes. "What is it, Tiner?" I snap irritably. I know I shouldn't take my anger out on the poor petty officer, but I just don't give a damn right now.
"It's time for the staff meeting, Admiral. The staff is assembled in the conference room, sir."
I sigh. "Thank you, Tiner."
I walk to the conference room. All conversation stops when I enter the room.
"Attention on..."
"As you were." I observe the officers around the conference table. My team. My eyes rest on the empty chair to the right of my own. I feel the pain again, but I hide it.
"Let's get this week rolling. First off, I'm sure you've all noticed by now that Lieutenant Colonel Mackenzie is not with us. She has tendered her request for terminal leave, and I have accepted it."
Murmurs echo around the table. "Is there a problem?" I bark.
"No, sir!" everyone replies.
"Good. You can gossip later. Let's get these cases handed out."
I manage to focus on my job for the next hour and a half, then return to my office. I'm sure they're all relieved when I don't come out until 1700.
Of all the days... I hurriedly walk to my office (former office, Mac), closing the door and the blinds. I swear, if Harm disturbs me...
But he doesn't. For the next two hours, I concentrate on organizing my files and packing my belongings into a box. I hear the buzzing in the bullpen at 1030 hours, when the staff meeting ends. There is banging on the door.
"Come on, Mac; open up!" Try the doorknob, dumbass! You've never had any qualms about busting into my office before! I open the door and gesture for Harm, Harriet, and Sturgis to step inside.
"Why, Mac? Why didn't you tell us?"
"I'm sorry, Harm. I just came to this decision yesterday, and I thought it would be better to discuss it with the Admiral first."
"But where are you going to go, ma'am? Why are you resigning? You love being a Marine!"
I sigh. "I know, Harriet. But I've found something I love more. And you don't have to call me ma'am anymore, remember? I'm thinking of moving out west. I'll get a job with a civilian firm somewhere."
"Well, Mac, whatever you do, we hope you are happy. Please don't hesitate to call us, for anything."
I smile. "Thank you, Sturgis." I look over at Harm, who has a confused, hurt look on his face. "Harriet, Sturgis, will you excuse us for a moment?"
"Of course, ma'am." "Certainly, Mac."
I close the door behind them. "Harm, I'm sorry I didn't tell you..."
He holds up his hands. "I know, Mac. But why didn't you? I mean, we're best friends. I thought..."
"What, Harm?"
"That we were moving towards something...I don't know."
"Moving towards what, exactly, Harm? For years, you've strung me along, approaching me, then backing away. I was in love with you." He opens his mouth to interrupt. "No, let me finish. I've finally realized something--if I want to be happy, to get what I want out of life, I can't just sit back and wait. I have to make it happen. I don't want you anymore, Harm. You hurt me. I know what I want now, and I'm not holding back." I'm not being completely truthful here. The one thing I want more than anything else is the one thing I'm not going after.
"All right, Mac," he says quietly. "I do hope you know what you're doing, though. And when you feel you're ready, please, call me. I don't want to lose track of my best friend."
"I will, Harm." I step forward, and we hug. I sigh, and step back.
"So, flyboy, wanna help me with some of these cases?"
He groans. "What, I don't have enough work...hey, I can see your desk!"
"Yeah, I've been here for three hours. Here, go give these to Sturgis and Tracy. Oh, and give these to Harriet. They need to go back down to Storage."
By 1200 hours, my office is completely packed. I swallow the lump in my throat. Things are changing so quickly...I don't know what to expect. I look at my office one final time. It looks so barren and forlorn. I lift the box, turn, and shut off the lights.
As I step into the bullpen, all activity stops. Tears escape my eyes as everyone--officers and enlisted personnel alike--come to attention for me. I set my box down and clear my throat. "Thank you, all of you. It has been an honor and a privilege to serve with all of you. I will never forget my time here at JAG. You all have a special place in my heart."
I pick my box back up, and board the elevator. I look back for one last glance at AJ's office.
"Goodbye, AJ. I love you," I whisper as the doors slide shut.
